I am so behind. I am reading and doing stuff but I am travelling for a few weeks, I have wifi in fuertventura so I can communicate better with you all now. I was in Africa and now I’m on a little island that’s part of the canary islands that I visit every year. now I’m here the chaos of the last few weeks will be behind me. I had a great time but this will be quieter and a time to relax with my family and get back into the habits in a stronger way.
I had my little red leather bound folder with my og, and blueprint builder and dmp and chore cards and my other reading materials and lessons. it was great to have as It stopped me falling off and getting lost.
I think the kevin spacy clip really said it all, I’m loving the explanations as it really cements why we are doing thinks the way we are.
for me personally the understanding of being in control of our thoughts and how our current reality is a result of our passed thoughts really hit home.
I was having a bit of a pity party the last while. I couldn’t seem to shake myself back to the person I was before I had my last baby. my girls are 15 and 24 and life was great. this pregnancy was tough and with the news of cancer and the option to terminate the pregnancy on health issues (doctors thought it was a chromosome prob) and with Ireland taking 4 weeks for tests to confirm I was offered this without being 100% sure the child was badly disabled.
I meditated and visualised every day, I blocked everyone out and the cancer was minor and contained to the overy and a partial hysterectomy sorted that out and my beautiful girl was delivered 5 weeks early and 100% safe and healthy. I was delighted and even colic and no sleep didn’t distract how I felt about this wonderful perfect little miracle.
what I wasn’t expecting was my own feelings and reactions. anger isn’t something I usually struggled with, negativity was alien and the rush of emotions was the worst thing ever. I had no time for family on either side and really took it personally that no one offered to help or visit. I thought these people are selfish and I really don’t like them.
I came from a dysfunctional family and with my mother being angry and depressed for years and with a lot of control and violent tendencies I learned as the eldest to mind everyone and become emotionally detached. my father who is on anti psychotic tablets and in a world all about him thought me from a young age that life was about my parents and not us. we weren’t that important. the blueprint for both of my parents with each other was I hate you don’t leave me…and I can drive you more mad than you will drive me only It was confusing because in between this they were holding hands and smiling and they were laughing and joking and just as we began to relax the madness would start again. As I write this they live on a golf course in a lovely 3 story townhouse where they don’t talk and lead separate lives and send solicitors letters because if they sold their house and bought two separate homes the might have the peace they say they want but would die from lack of drama. ha ha no wonder we are a family that isn’t too close. its not their fault as they come from a whole other set of problems in their own families.
the purpose of sharing this is because I have come to realised I can be detached and have left relationships for fear of becoming like my parents.
I have been distant and attracted partners with families who are different to me with different lifestyles and personalities and habits knowing I don’t fit as I have nothing in common. the fear of rejection meant I purposely attracted people unlike me. I didn’t want to fit or be part of the group and then took it personally they didn’t jump when I wanted them to.
I attracted a partner with his own issues and dysfunctions because it was familiar then judged him for not dealing with situations or people like I do.
looking at the lessons about our world without is a result of our past thoughts was sad for me and it brought back a lot of memories for me. it made me look at things and after I looked I was smiling
why was I smiling? well the biggest one was I looked at how I replaced the habit of violence against children with talking and how I replaced the poverty consciousness with something a little better that enabled me to provide a nice school and home and life for my children. I replaced children should be not seen and never heard with love your children and appreciate their wonderful little personalities and embrace their individual ways. I was beaming at the realisation that unlike my siblings and me my girls are confident and don’t people please and are comfortable in their own skin and have good relationships with me and their dads and their friends. that was loads of areas where my blueprint changed dispite my family blueprint.
my parents financial life improved in their 60s and even now there is always the first thought or words are ..cant do…cant afford…could never…don’t believe…
I created all that is me both the positive and the negative and now I can really concentrate on the truth of this is a life changing positive way. travelling for a few weeks and looking at different things and enjoying this time with my partner and children is really relaxing me and setting me up for the masterkey changes and new life.
already new opportunities are opening up and even my dmp has changed and got bigger already.
my greatest fear wasn’t failure, its success and now I’m ready for success.